Charleston Announces Wrestling Region Realignment Plan

April 1, 2008

An unidentified source from a government office in Charleston today has announced plans to call a special session of the West Virginia State Legislature to deal with realignment of the Regions for West Virginia High School wrestling.

"The dominance of Region I in High School Wrestling in West Virginia has been one of the most serious problems facing this state for decades," the spokesman observed. "Simply re-drawing the boundary lines just doesn't solve the problem. We need to end this nightmare once and for all."

The plan calls for physically moving Wood County from its present location and attaching it to the southeastern portion of West Virginia, thus putting Wood County Schools in Region III. Ohio County will be physically moved to Region IV and attached to Wayne County."

Large earth moving machines will dig trenches around Wood and Ohio counties. All utilities and highways will be disconnected. The entire land mass of both counties will be undermined, and giant helicopters will move each county to their new locations - including homes, businesses, families, livestock, and pets.

"There's a little sticky-outy part of Monroe County - Wood County would fit in there nicely," observed the unidentified source. "In addition, Ohio County is a nice fit to stick on to Wayne County. This will bust up Region I for good."

An unfortunate side effect of the plan is that Hancock and Brooke Counties become completely disconnected from the remainder of the state. Current plans call for transferring these two counties to Pennsylvania. "That's too bad about Hancock and Brooke Counties," it was noted. "But hey, if you're gonna make an omelette you gotta break a few eggs, right? We probably should have just turned those counties over to Pennsylvania a long time ago."


New configuration of West Virginia. The new locations of Wood and Ohio Counties are highlighted. Hancock and Brooke Counties will be transferred to Pennsylvania.

The loss of Hancock and Brooke counties from West Virginia will mean the disappearance of Madonna, Oak Glen, Weir, and Brooke from the State Wrestling Tournament. Several AA/A coaches were asked for their reaction to the proposal, and all agreed that it will be a shame to lose Madonna, Weir, and Brooke.

The project is expected to cost in the trillions of dollars. Asked about the source of the funding, the unidentified source stated that funding "...will come from where it always does -- by eliminating tax breaks for the rich and cutting government waste."

One way of cutting government spending, as outlined in the plan, will be a state mandated 50% reduction of all salaries for wrestling coaches in West Virginia. "That should save us fifty or seventy-five bucks right there," the source noted.

No immediate reaction was available from residents Wood and Ohio Counties. However, several residents of Hancock and Brooke Counties were puzzled by the announcement. "We thought Charleston had shipped us off to Pennsylvania years ago," observed one Brooke County resident.