DNC National Chairman Howard Dean made the announcement at a hastily called press conference at the Heldreth Motel in Kingwood. "This primary election thing was becoming such a drag. We decided to just settle the whole matter once and for all."
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With recent political debate focused on "do-overs," eight of the original candidates were placed on the bracket in a single elimination format. Eventual champion Clinton had an easy first round match, knocking off former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack by fall ten seconds into the first round. Vilsack's lack of tournament experience showed, as he barely got out of his stance before finding himself on his back. "Hey, what happened," Vilsack was overheard to say. |
Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois), entering the tournament as third seed, sailed through his first round match against Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio). Kucinich, who lost by fall in the second period, immediately filed a protest with tournament officials alleging that the gravitational field of planet Earth was anomalous and favored his opponents unfairly. While Kucinich's expertise in extra-terrestrial affairs was acknowledged, his protests fell on deaf ears.
The remaining first round match pitted New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson against former U.S. Senator John Edwards from North Carolina. Both contestants tried to "out-nice" each other on the mat, with Edwards finally gaining the victory when Richardson inexplicably appeared to just roll over on his back.
Clinton received a forfeit in the semi-finals, as Dodd decided to conserve his energy in preparation for his upcoming Senate Hearings regarding people who give out cheap candy during Halloween trick-or-treat. Similarly, the semi-final match between Obama and Edwards ended prematurely as Edwards was disqualified after being penalized for "unnecessary pandering" for the fourth time in the match.
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This set the stage for the much-anticipated final match between Clinton and Obama. Clinton started out strong, but then found herself on her back in the second period as the momentum appeared to swing in Obama's favor. After finally struggling to get back to her base, there was a noticeable change in tactics, which did not go unnoticed by the Obama camp. In a post-match news conference, Obama said "I was disappointed that Senator Clinton chose to engage in shady tactics in our final match - working the edge of the mat, taking the maximum number in injury time-outs when everybody in the gym knew that she wasn't injured, and repeatedly stretching the rule book and trying illegal holds. Looks like we are in for four more years of the same old Clinton tactics." Clinton's coach and former President Bill Clinton shrugged off the complaints, saying "Hey, if you can't run with the big dogs, then stay on the porch."
But the most controversial turn of events involved the appearance of special DNC "super-referees." With the match tied at the end of two periods, DNC chairman Howard Dean burst into the gym with a cadre of dozens of "super-referees" to conduct the final stages of the match. "We Democrats have special rules to cover this sort of thing. It's all in the rulebook. Really." It is not clear how the final stages of the match progressed, but ultimately Clinton's hand was raised and she was declared the winner. |
 Obama supporters were outraged at the Clinton tactics. "That gullotine she tried to hook up in the second round was clearly not the way we use the guillotine in Democratic party wrestling." |
Contestants (L to R)
Tom Vilsack, Dennis Kucinich, Chris Dodd, Bill Richardson, John Edwards, Champ: Hillary Clinton, Runner-up: Barack Obama, Joe Biden
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